Pruning Pundit Gifts

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

'It Kicked!' - 'Punt, Drop or Tad?'

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"Is this 'pollocks'."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"And that was the news. . . But please feel free to go online and vent your spite, spread your conspiracy theories and promote your ill-informed opinions. . ."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"The exclamation points make the whole thing seem desperate and contrived."

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

Literary Dogs.

'Over the years our company has acquired a face of its own.'

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

'This mindless blather is edited for TV.'

Apostrophe, Aopstropher, Apostrothem.

'Ok cup cake looks like its time to meet your maker.'