Pecking Pundit T-Shirts

Ted enjoyed going to the park and feeding the woodpeckers.

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

Eldrow

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'It Kicked!' - 'Punt, Drop or Tad?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

New York Scatological Society

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"Pie chart"

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

A candidate makes their greatest impact on an interviewer in the first few minutes...

'Eat your lettuce. It'll put colour back in your cheeks.'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"This internet survey is asking me to take another survey rating the survey I'm taking."

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"And that was the news. . . But please feel free to go online and vent your spite, spread your conspiracy theories and promote your ill-informed opinions. . ."

The Fishbowl Dynasty

"Buckle up. We're in the midst of an unprecedented breadcrumb recession."

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

Avoid talking about personal and domestic issues at interviews, unless asked.

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

'Not a problem. Our industry is self-regulated. In fact, I'm scheduled to jump off the roof right after this meeting.'

His first book was huge, but publishing is such a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business.

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""

'Ok cup cake looks like its time to meet your maker.'

"If memory serves, the alternative to being a McGovern-nik was being a Nixon-nik."