Pea Pundit Gifts

"Psst. Pass it on. Tonight's the break!..."

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Genetic modification creating plastic from plant cellulose.

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'I told him not to wear stretchy pants to dinner.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Pea

"Your Honor, prior to sentencing, if it please the court, I'd like to make just a few brief remarks about pâte brisée."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

'I have a master's in 17th century Dutch feminist poetry, but I've never really used it.'

"Shouldn't there be some sort of pecking order around here?"

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"Pie chart"

New York Scatological Society

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

"I'm in here, rereading the great poets, myself among them."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Wussapalooka

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Siegfried Sassoon

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51

Dateline - Caf

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

'You think irritable fowl syndrome is bad? Just wait until you hit menopause.'

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

Ted enjoyed going to the park and feeding the woodpeckers.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'Have you noticed how portions are getting bigger?'

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.