Payroll Pragmatist Gifts

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'Salaries Manager. No.'

I'm not making enough money to like you.

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

Drive-thru Church

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

'Yes,we have equal pay in that we are grossly underpaid, all of us.'

"I never said they were well-compensated. I just said they were paid handsomely."

"You're in luck...I've unearthed those payroll records from 3 years ago."

'Are you the genius who came up with the 'Alternative Payment' program?'

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

The Clinton Campaign, post-mid-September

Human Resources Dept: Full time/part time/over time/time and a half/time out.

"Here's your paycheck. I hope we'll both find it amusing."

'I've figured out a way to lower your income tax...give you less income.'

'I take it you're looking to some extra hours!'

'I had every intention of giving you your pay check, Ken, but the payroll computer has decided you don't deserve it.'

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

"I call it the The Power of Positive Pessimism. Knowing full well that most of the things I try almost always end in disaster, yet somehow finding enjoyment in every step of the process. It works for me!"

'Nothing this week †between your pay and your deductions, you broke even.'

'My pay envelope is empty.' - 'Your deductions equal your salary'

'Thanks for not asking for a rise.'

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

Bureau of Missing Persons, "He works flextime and we have direct deposit, so it took me a few months to notice he was gone."

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

PAYMASTER, 'Just to be on the safe side, we withheld EVERYTHING this week.'

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

PAYMASTER, 'Just to be on the safe side, we withheld EVERYTHING this week.'

Put it in writing!

"That's great that you're on 8 different social media sites, but how are you at bank reconciliations, accounts payable, and working?"

Half full. Optimist. Half empty. Pessimist. Pragmatist.

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

"Take one of these every 4 hours for the side effects from your prescription."