Pawsome Jokester Gifts

"Jeez, Charlie. . . as if the cone isn't humiliating enough!"

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I offer emotional support and companionship for those with PTSD." "I detect cancer and other human diseases by scent detection." "I squeak-fart when startled."

I've found you can say anything you like to them, as long as you're wagging your tail.

Dog fetching clown shoes.

'I said 'barium,' not 'bury him'!'

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

'You've got restless wag syndrome.'

'Sit, Rollover, Heel'

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

"Teach me not to care."

Leaving cards.

Phoning a Busy Sheep: 'Sorry I can't get to the phone right now, please make an animal noise after the bleat!'

"Well, there goes your theory of him thinking of you as his pack leader."

A sausage dog shrinking after toileting

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'Tender and Juicy.'

Dogs at Dog Show Judging the Judges.

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

"Hey you. I can't get in your house because nobody drew a fireplace or chimney. Not my fault, dude. Well, maybe next year. Ho, ho, ho."

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

Summer Reading

"If you like the baby pictures you should see the 'Making Of' video!"

'Hi, my name's Bernard and I'm an alcoholic...'

Pantomimes Are Lousy Painters. . .

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

"An olive or a twist?"

'Yes, it is a 'wonderful discovery'. But whatever you do, don't touch it!'

"With the right training an enterprising young man like yourself could do well in white-collar crime."

'Begging at the table again, eh?'

'It was just a matter of time, old cowpuncher, 'til one of them punched back.'

'So far, I've lost three pounds on the Ratkins Diet!'

'Question number one: Does your wife ask you questions from women's magazines?'