Patrol Philosopher Gifts

A bored unshaven guard sat on a chair.

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

"Looting and plundering! Looting and plundering! There must be more to life!...."

'Sorry, pastor, your soul's grace period is eternity, your car's is six minutes.'

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

Computer spying.

'Aside from a crazed sheep now and then, this is a very risk-free profession.'

"I think I've arrived at the airport too soon"

"Personally, this child would love to be 'left behind.'"

"I've never trusted cows."

'Existential truckstop'

'Is he taking the piss?'

Parking Yesterday, Parking Tomorrow, But Never Parking Today.

"You can't compete with a retired pharmacist."

"Wood-oven-toasted rosemary focaccia or traditional baguette?"

"I accept the cookies I cannot change."

"I want to enjoy the greener grass on the other side of the fence, but the problem is that I don't know where that fence is."

"I've given up on trying to improve the quality of my milk: It just ends up mixed with milk from other cows in a big vat..."

Library of War and Peace

"My flight’s been delayed for the third time—whom do I punch in the face for that?"

"Nothing happens next. This is it."

"That satellite that constantly tracks our position on earth to within fifty feet recommends that we get out more."

Hell's Ethics

"I want to apologize for some of the remarks I made during the heat of battle."

'I never met anybody with a 'calla-walla-bing-bang' mantra before.'

"Thank you for calling civil liberties - your call may be recorded."

"I don't mind giving up the appearance of privacy to live with the illusion of safety."

"Venal, narcissistic, power hungry politicians. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em."

"What does the word 'privacy' mean, honey? Why don't you ask our virtual assistant?"

Motorists see sign: You are now approaching the world's first automated highway(Last chance for a fit of road rage for 150 miles).

I don't know what my beef is today...

"Yes, gossip is prevalent. You have to remember that a dairy herd is more like a group of co-workers than a family..."

"Christmas, birthdays...this divine guide will help you deal with idiotic gifts..."