Patrol Philosopher Mugs

A bored unshaven guard sat on a chair.

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Looting and plundering! Looting and plundering! There must be more to life!...."

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

'Sorry, pastor, your soul's grace period is eternity, your car's is six minutes.'

Computer spying.

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

'Aside from a crazed sheep now and then, this is a very risk-free profession.'

"Personally, this child would love to be 'left behind.'"

"I think I've arrived at the airport too soon"

"I've never trusted cows."

'Existential truckstop'

Parking Yesterday, Parking Tomorrow, But Never Parking Today.

"You can't compete with a retired pharmacist."

"Wood-oven-toasted rosemary focaccia or traditional baguette?"

"I accept the cookies I cannot change."

Library of War and Peace

"My flight’s been delayed for the third time—whom do I punch in the face for that?"

"I want to enjoy the greener grass on the other side of the fence, but the problem is that I don't know where that fence is."

"I've given up on trying to improve the quality of my milk: It just ends up mixed with milk from other cows in a big vat..."

"Nothing happens next. This is it."

"That satellite that constantly tracks our position on earth to within fifty feet recommends that we get out more."

Hell's Ethics

"I want to apologize for some of the remarks I made during the heat of battle."

'I never met anybody with a 'calla-walla-bing-bang' mantra before.'

"Thank you for calling civil liberties - your call may be recorded."

"I don't mind giving up the appearance of privacy to live with the illusion of safety."

"What does the word 'privacy' mean, honey? Why don't you ask our virtual assistant?"

"Venal, narcissistic, power hungry politicians. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em."

"Yes, gossip is prevalent. You have to remember that a dairy herd is more like a group of co-workers than a family..."

I don't know what my beef is today...

Motorists see sign: You are now approaching the world's first automated highway(Last chance for a fit of road rage for 150 miles).

"The way I see it, angst is the whole gestalt."

"Christmas, birthdays...this divine guide will help you deal with idiotic gifts..."