Patient Ponders Gifts

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

"We need to update your entire operating system."

Waiting for Pants

"Look, if I had all the answers, would I be living alone on the top of a mountain?"

Radiology, Cardiology and Fertility Clinic.

'Naughty? Nice? Santa, I don't deal in absolutes.'

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

'Your test results are in - and here's a first, the Lab Techs have asked to meet you.'

'Admit it,you've been bothering the nurses again,haven't you?

'Gee, Doc - couldn't you just use a rubber mallet to check my reflexes?'

The New Age Dentist.

"And that was just your sudoku chart."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

'Where'd he go, nurse?'

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

'Hurry up and enjoy your life as a pensioner! Three.. Two.. One..'

'You know the rules, Mr Dotterill - you're only allowed one visitor at a time.'

The thinker.

'This is a pick 'n' mix ward - you choose your own medicine.'

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

'What's it all about?'

'I had a stomach ache, so I took bicarb of soda and went to bed early. Did I do the right thing?'

'All dogs have four legs. All tables have four legs. All dogs are tables."

"Your tests are back. We've ruled out anything covered by your HMO."

"The doctor will bill you now."

"...The sun sank slowly in the west. Time slowed down to a crawl, and there was no reason to hurry. The tortoise knew he had time to kill. Haste makes waste, he thought..."

'I keep getting this RINGING in my ears!'

"The imaginary people keep telling me that I'm crazy..."

The Diary

"You sure have a funny way of making someone feel better."

"Don't be alarmed! The Doctor's chiropractor recommended he work like this!"

Expect delays.