Patient Humorist Gifts

"Er – How long will it take?"

'It shouldn't be much longer, folks. The doctor just finished the 18th hole.'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

Ice Cream Surgeon

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The first one's just a warning."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

Doctor pulling golf caddy sees patient pulling oxygen caddy.

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"Would you please step back to the machine while I make an adjustment?"

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

Cardiac Recovery.

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

We did a biopsy on the mole we removed, and it turns out it was just an old piece of chocolate.

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

Vlad the Inhaler

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

'ooh! A womb with a view.'

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'