Hospital Humorist Gifts

'No! This isn't the place to order a blood transfusion!'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

Maternity Doors

'Look dear - it's a get-well-or-else card from the insurance company.'

"Of course I'm listening to your expression of spiritual suffering. Don't you see me making eye contact, striking an open posture, leaning towards you and nodding emphatically."

"Try to get some rest. I'll be in every few minutes to make sure you don't."

'Wait, this one's a lawyer. We'd better wash our hands.'

"You've got six months, but with aggressive treatment we can help make that seem much longer."

"It's OK, this is a teaching hospital. Some people just have to learn that the hard way."

"This patient has a rare form of medical insurance."

"When I yell 'CLEAR' that doesn't mean you."

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

Yoga feasibility studies.

"Never talk down to patients. I'll be back to explain why when the big hand's on the 12..."

'Just remember I told you you'd be discharged really fast after surgery!'

'I'm not a visitor - just next in line for that bed when you've done with it.'

'A little professionalism, people. When asking a patient to undress, we do not giggle.'

'More budget cuts. One gown per room. Who wants to wear it first?'

'Just remember, you're not alone - I'm scared to death, too.'

'Now what seems to be the problem?'

"I'm afraid you're retaining lawyers."

'Her husband? No, I'm her lawyer.'

'This one was real stubborn. Had to up his medication three times before he'd agree to sign the liability waver.'

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

"Not that one...the big one on the top shelf!"

When he got the wrong medication, no one would own up to it. They were real good at covering their own butts.

Fake Near-death Kit.

Patient tangled in IV tubes.

"Come quickly—I think I had an out-of-pocket experience."

'Still no improvement? Nurse, attach more gizmos.'

'And this nurse Jenkins...who we'll be blaming if the hospital kills your husband...'

'I've been told to keep my spirits up.'

'How did you become a doctor?' - 'I started as a patient and worked my way up.'

'I told you we should have packed a lunch.'

'When this line goes flat and the beeping stops, call me.'