Hospital Humor Buff Gifts

"Breathe, darn it, breathe!"

'I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, Mrs Smith, but your son wasn't only not wearing clean underwear, he had NO underwear period!'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

Dracula in a Vampire Hospital getting some extra blood from a Human blood drip

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

Downloading Pregnancy

"Sorry, that's not my table."

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

"When was the last time anyone checked on Mr Klink."