Hospital Humor Fan Gifts

"I want you to lie as still as possible while Lyle and I take our lunch break."

'The restraints are for your own protection, Mr.Norris. We're concerned that if you rung the nurses station once more, they'll strangle you.'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

"He won the right to die without dignity."

'The survival of this patient is a true testimony to the blessing of modern science.'

'It's your four basic food groups.'

'Really? ..So when I said I'd found you a bed, you thought you'd have it all to yourself?!'

'My patient needs a new kidney. Make any grave mistakes today?'

'We thought the 'bed shortage' was bad, until the 'hospital trolley shortage' came along.'

Flip a coin for diagnosis.

"My Dad has just come out of hospital."

'Where does it hurt?'

"Would you please refrain from texting while I'm operating!"

'Should we abstain from sex?'

'It's a nasty little rash, nothing to worry about!'

"Doctor, I can't feel my feet."

'Heavy sedatines for Mr Baines. His cheerful disposition is giving me a headache.'

'So you're saying, I'm done for, Doc.' 'I don't like that kind of talk... It's, 'I'm done for, DOCTOR.''

'Thanks for telling me you eat too much fat, but it's not that kind of admissions.'

"I hope you're not here for the good of your health?"

'Please turn off your cell phone. We can't afford to be startled.'

'I wish I could help you, but there's too much paperwork involved.'

'I'm afraid we've removed your wooden leg by mistake.'

"Want to hear your horoscope today? It's a hoot!"

'As an amnesiac, we'll slowly build memory. Now, pay me and then try to remember paying me.'

Footballer with a broken leg and a ball in his cast.

It looks as if he's got 60 Burns

"My cellphone needs charging. Do you mind if I unplug your life support?"

"I think we got it all."

"Give it to me nuanced, Doc."

A Man has just died of a Heart attack about to enter a Cardiology centre

"Drenching sweats, droopy carrot...hydration and a week chilling in the morgue and he'll be good as new."

'Key hole surgery....but wouldn't it be easier if you were actually in the room with me...'

Patient at hospital sees hospital cafeteria advertising take-out food.

'Why did you take me off the critical list?' - 'It's full.'