Hospital Humor Gifts

Urology Department (door leaking pee)

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

"You need to get more exercise. Blink twice if you understand."

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'...this x-ray shows that your husband took a surgical instrument fromt he operating room.'

'Dying doesn't scare me - it's you people.'

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

'I know my instruments are sterilized every day but I have no idea who does it.'

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

'Would it kill you to ask me how I'm doing?'

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

'He can't stand the sight of blood.'

'Must've pressed the wrong button. Hang on, I'll ask the nurse.'

'Remember the NHS ethos; if it ain't broke, break it. Then make sure it can't be mended.'

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

'You need a heart transplant, maybe two.'

Nursing

"The doctor will be right with me. . ."

Patients waiting room - Shark on a diver's head.

NHS Deep Clean - 'Great news! You're going to get a bath.'

'Do you think it's contagious?'

Patient,receptionist,doctor.

'Don't try getting polite with me!'

'Okay, how did you do that?'

"He's on life support. Mostly support."

'Time for supervision checks, Shirley. I'll do you if you do me.'

Seamans' Hospital

'There's a new target for whistleblowers...I need you to find five examples of substandard care and leak them to me by Tuesday!'

'How many times did I tell you 'Don't eat the free samples given out on the street!'?'

"While you're at it, could you give him some pizzazz?"

'Sir, for the last two hours your constant cries of pain have been disturbing the other people in the waiting room. Please stop.'

'We've noticed just about every patient you've tested has elevated blood pressure.'