Hospital Humourist Gifts

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"The first one's just a warning."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

Cardiac Recovery.

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'