Paternity Leave Pillows

'So, paternity leave problem solved then?'

'I'm putting you on flex time so you can have your baby and still do a full 40 hours.'

"Since he was born today he won't begin daycare until tomorrow."

Paternity leave: 'It's not the work, it's the talking about sport I miss...'

"Maternity leave, again!"

'What happened to your paternity leave?'

'Ted, you won't climb the corporate ladder if you keep taking paternity leave!'

'Paternity leave problem solved?'

'When we cross referenced your requests for paternity leave and your billable hours it appears that you must have been on the job when you were at the job!'

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

'We give maternity leave on condition you name your baby after our company.'

"This paternity leave plays havoc with your handicap."

"What's this about having time off to spawn?"

"His first out-of-body experience."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'Ahhh...'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Low-Energy Drinks

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"Remember now, anything is DIY-abe if you just do it yourself."

'You'll never believe the day I've had...'

Baby Screen Time

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

"It's a boy, but that's a common one so don't get too excited."

Growth Charts

'We found you in a cabbage!'

"We have the exact same taste."

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

'It's only 6 AM, but I want to send the kids to Wally's house before his mother sends him over here.'

"He won't eat anything but corn."