Passive Investor Gifts

"He manages a broad stock index fund."

Stock market investment advice

"I've finally found a therapist who understands options."

'So, gentlemen, how's the dollar trading against the immortal soul, today?'

'I'm finally at one with the universe...but apparently that doesn't include the DOW.'

"Stocks edged lower on the news there's more to life than the accumulation of material things..."

A wiser and a better man

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

"Just in case you want to invest, I've got a great idea for a dot.com startup."

IOC and human rights.

Investments: Yes, we have organic, local & cruelty-free stocks.

"Ed's not really into binge watching...he just can't find the remote."

'Harley manages our most aggressive growth fund.'

'Do you mind if I take the rest of my session to get your input on investor psychology?'

"You can take it with you down here - but no social conscience funds."

'Excellent idea, Primrose...but will the public buy it?'

'To avoid any conflict, I've put my ethics in a blind trust.'

At The Clown Bank.

"Don't include any tobacco stocks in your portfolio- they'll only stunt its growth."

"I can't keep giving you stock tips. The SEC has been making 'insider trading' inquiries."

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

"I'm not goofing off. I'm letting my money work for me."

They're rich but not in a glamorous way. They're Certificate of Deposit rich.

'Greed, wrath, envy and pride closed higher today, while lust, sloth and gluttony showed losses.'

'Getting a big bonus to risk other people's money makes me wonder if I am part of a conspiracy.'

"Call me a pie-in-the-sky idealist, but I've always found it important to invest with a firm that reflects my values!"

"Your 401(k) is a low-risk investment, other than a few stocks that happen to finance the end of human civilization as we know it."

'It's not a Ponzi scheme. It's a Ponzi FUND.'

Investments: We have socially correct stocks, but 'wrong' usually pays better.

"It seems to me it's a little unethical to recommend only ethical companies."

'It's not a spitoon. It's for scruples.'

'I can still remember the days when you had a social conscience'.

'The top graph shows the patient's progress. The bottom one's the drug company's share price.'