Amateur Investor Gifts

"$Norman just launched his own cryptocurrency"

'Now that I have your attention...'

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

Profit

Businessmen trying to prop up a line-chart with sticks

'Quick! We need a bigger chart in here!'

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

'If you're so smart, why don't you have some Index Funds in your portfolio?'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

'Wavering between being bullish or bearish'

"Fantastic presentation! All of the investors loved it."

'Investment charts can be complicated, son, but that usually means, 'bonuses'.'

Investments - Founders Bear and Bull.

Wall Street Couch

'If only I'd spent as much time on my investment portfolio as I did on my lolly mix when I was a kid.'

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"

Day trading.

'When investment bankers give parental advice'

'Stocks were up on news that no performance enhancing drugs were used to achieve today's highs. . .'

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'

I was trying to day trade my way through business school, but then the stock market tanked.

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

"We're counting on you to reverse this trend before this afternoon's investors meeting."

'You always bring me the same thing every year, toys games sports equipment. I never get what I really want!' - 'What's that?' - 'Real estate!'

'Based on your travels, what would you say is the greatest potential downside, if any, to investing in the Upper Amazon?'

"If it's all the same to you, I'd like my allowance in bitcoins."

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

'No thanks, I don't drink when I'm driving home a point about investing.'

"Sorry, stock-market jitters."

US dollar perched on fragile house of cards.

Bookstore. The Stock Market for Dummies. It's either an instructional guide or a history of recent economics.

'Stocks rose on the rumor that the market is mostly rumor-driven.'

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.