Small Investor Gifts

"You have reached the Nervous Investor Fund performance hotline. For the average annualized returns for the past ten minutes press '1; for the past half hour press 2; for the past hour press #3."

'Now that I have your attention...'

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

'The prevailing wisdom is that markets are always right. I think that luck is always right.'

Or as I prefer to call it, the 'feel-good' factor.

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

'He's so rich, when he writes a cheque the bank bounces.'

"Son, you're old enough now for The Talk: everything you need to know about compound interest."

"Is this the best investment strategy you could come up with?"

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

Wall St. or True Love.

'Greek debt was downgraded for the 11th time this week, by S&P, to P.O.S. Negative Infinity, meaning it's safer to eat uranium, than own Greek debt.'

Will work for ETFs

'Wavering between being bullish or bearish'

"I think I just solved my cash flow problem."

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

"Great plan. Could we get some more details?"

"Invest in technology."

'Jimmy Chang gets his allowance in Yuan, and his parents let him buy and sell precious metals...'

Investments - Founders Bear and Bull.

'If only I'd spent as much time on my investment portfolio as I did on my lolly mix when I was a kid.'

"Remember, money is only a tool - to make more money."

"I see we're going up against the Big Guys."