Investor Gifts

"Stocks can be risky, and you've got to be able to sleep at night. We'll set aside half your money for sleeping pills."

"Right now I think the wisest strategy is to diversify among your mattresses."

"He manages a broad stock index fund."

'I see your investments going up but it's not clear which ones or when.'

"Oh, I'm really sorry. I just placed three million with some broker who called five minutes ago."

'My advice is: Don't put all your eggs in one basket.'

"I've hedged against inflation and I've hedged against deflation, but price stability could knock me for a loop."

"Son, you're old enough now for The Talk: everything you need to know about compound interest."

"Invest? No offense, but I've read about you guys."

"Analysts blamed the market's volatility on computer-directed trading while computers blamed it on analyst-directed trading."

Bull Arm Wrestling A Bear.

Thanks a Mil, Warren!

"Today on Wall Street, yesterday's panic selling was replaced by panic buying."

News on television: 'On Wall Street, stocks rebounded on news that 'up' and 'down' are just states of mind.'

"My favorite time of year is earnings season."

"Have you considered short-term treasurys?"

Calls of the Wild: Moose Call, Coyote Call and Margin Call.

'I can get the latest market news from the New York stock exchange.'

The Victorious Turtle

'I find if I'm the first one in and the first one out, Ponzi schemes can be very lucrative.'

"The market was doing so well I decided not to hibernate this year."

A two dollar stock sounds like a perfect investment...

'Your best hedge against a down market is having lots of money.'

Papa bear plays the stockmarket.

'J.B., there's not enough ROI on the IPO, YTD.'

'I made a real killing on the stock market today. I shot my broker.'

"Don't worry, I left a trail of junk bonds to get us back to Wall st."

The Return of Guarded Optimism

'It's his only form of exercise these days...chasing yield.'

'Could you bring in that list of risk factors you downloaded yesterday?'

"Dow Jonesy enough for you?"

'I'm not interested in minimum risk. I want long term gains without risk.'

'The new regulations arrived earlier today.'

'I'm in equities and mutual funds. You?'

'Stocks dropped on news that the only certainty in life is 'uncertainty'.'