Parishoner Gifts

Overdoing It.

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"I'm pleased that you have finally come home, I can't get the parrot back into its cage."

Parson and abandoned husband

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Saying Grace.

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

'But why do we have to plough the fields and scatter when we get everything from Tesco?'

"...and thank you for sending my guardian angel to protect me from that truck today..."

"As slim as your chances are for salvation, it's nice to see you keep trying."

'...and we used to grumble about not understanding archaic church language!'

The mobile -priest was keen to use modern technology to 'keep in touch' with his parishioners!

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

"If I ask you something, will you promise not to get mad?"

'We finally nailed down where our congregation's priorities lie!'

'She'd put 'The fear of God' into God himself!'

Give Thanks.

'The grass over in the meadow looks better. I wish somebody would lead off.'

'He made it big in the athlete prayer industry.'

"This town isn't big enough for the two of us."

'That lumbago you just got rid of - you gave to me!'

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

Parson wishing to seem as though he is not drinking

Vicar's wife to vicar - "And if you can't be good, be careful!"

'I've been praying for a revelation, but nothing happens!'

A curate dining with some hunters

'Looks like the sexton position is still vacant.'

church

'I think I see why attendance has been down.'