Parishioner Gifts

'And then it happened. Halfway through your sermon, my insomnia was miraculously cured!'

Wife about mad man leaving church: 'You'll have to excuse my husband. He always wakes up grumpy.'

"We're raising money for our church so our preacher can get a new luxury jet...!"

"Last week's sermon about inclusion and diversity seems to have struck a chord."

'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'

Walketh Not on Grass Thou Sluggard.

"Do you offer a warranty?"

"...ok, let's vote. Who's in favour of naming the Church gift shop 'Jesus Christ Superstore'?"

"Brother Behan?! You would think the roof to fall in!"

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

"What's the current return on investment?"

"Isn't he wonderful? You get the feeling he's looking and talking directly to you."

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

'Put it back. This isn't a 'Take a Penny, Leave a Penny' dish.'

'She'd put 'The fear of God' into God himself!'

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

'I think I see why attendance has been down.'

"You can offer a pledge, but not IOU's."

"When did we stop saying 'amen' and start giving the 'wave'?"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

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Two men in T-shirts, one shirt says Jesus loves me, the other Jesus loves me more.

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

"As slim as your chances are for salvation, it's nice to see you keep trying."

The mobile -priest was keen to use modern technology to 'keep in touch' with his parishioners!

"Sorry, but the Wi-Fi password is for tithing church members only."

"This isn't the caring way to treat those who disagree with you, Pastor Bob."

'The grass over in the meadow looks better. I wish somebody would lead off.'

A curate dining with some hunters

church

"I didn't say, 'Simon says'..."