Parish Story Collector Gifts

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"I now pronounce you a partial place setting."

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

Summer in Elysium and The long vacation in Arcadia

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

The hare and the tortoise - the rematch.

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

Who's Dead

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

Newborn making the V-sign

'Then, one day a kid yelled, 'Man, look at that ugly duck with the long neck and the black mole over it's beak.'. To think I spent years parading around thinking I was a swan.'

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

Aladdin's Cave of Wonder

'Neat photo Lucy, I'll put it up in my room... Do you have any drawing pins?'

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

"Back in my day there weren't any delivery trucks, distribution centers and fancy computers! We just hopped door-to-door until our feet bled!"

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

Vicar's wife to vicar - "And if you can't be good, be careful!"

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

"As I call each of your names, please answer by saying 'Present'"

'Look, thanks for your concern, but I think a flood is something we can cope with!'

Oliver's reception by Fagin and the boys

"Policing's not what it was..."

'Hey mom, look! One of Dad's old report cards! Boy, has he got a lot of explaining to do!'

"She was this tall with curly blonde hair Officer: She ate our porridge and broke our furniture..."

"And here with the grizzly details."

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

I WILL NOT COMMENT ON MS. STEMPEL'S WART

Prompts on the Antiques Roadshow.

'This is for a different book.'

"We met online."