Parish Story Collector Pillows

Churchwarden Talking to Rector

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

Summer in Elysium and The long vacation in Arcadia

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

The hare and the tortoise - the rematch.

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

Who's Dead

Newborn making the V-sign

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

'Neat photo Lucy, I'll put it up in my room... Do you have any drawing pins?'

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

'Then, one day a kid yelled, 'Man, look at that ugly duck with the long neck and the black mole over it's beak.'. To think I spent years parading around thinking I was a swan.'

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

Aladdin's Cave of Wonder

"Back in my day there weren't any delivery trucks, distribution centers and fancy computers! We just hopped door-to-door until our feet bled!"

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

Vicar's wife to vicar - "And if you can't be good, be careful!"

"As I call each of your names, please answer by saying 'Present'"

'Look, thanks for your concern, but I think a flood is something we can cope with!'

Oliver's reception by Fagin and the boys

"Policing's not what it was..."

"She was this tall with curly blonde hair Officer: She ate our porridge and broke our furniture..."

'Hey mom, look! One of Dad's old report cards! Boy, has he got a lot of explaining to do!'

"And here with the grizzly details."

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

Prompts on the Antiques Roadshow.

I WILL NOT COMMENT ON MS. STEMPEL'S WART

'This is for a different book.'

"We met online."