Pub Story Collector Pillows

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Thank you to those who never came home and to those who never left their side.

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

'That's my weird Uncle Benny. He claims that he was abducted by aliens in white lab coats.'

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

'He's a blight on the whole neighbourhood.'

". . . so a duck walks into a . . ."

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

Who's Dead

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

'-but the fire's on the GROUND floor!'

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

"By the time I was supposed to resume my hockey career, I had discovered ice dancing."

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

"We met through a contact tracing app."

"Back in my day there weren't any delivery trucks, distribution centers and fancy computers! We just hopped door-to-door until our feet bled!"

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

A frog catches an insect truck.

'What a twist of fate!'

Smoking Cessation Clinic - Formerly The Pub.

"I've stopped looking for work, which, I believe, helps the economic numbers."

"Policing's not what it was..."

"She was this tall with curly blonde hair Officer: She ate our porridge and broke our furniture..."

'It was owned by a little ol' lady who didn't drive it. She used a motor scooter on Saturdays.'

'I've known you a long time and it's time I told you the truth, I'm not really a person, I'm just a suit full of chickens..'

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

Prompts on the Antiques Roadshow.

Football Manager's Parrot

'This is for a different book.'

"Ow! Rotten stinking sky!!"

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.