Drinking Stories Collector Pillows

"I've been diagnosed with duel personalities."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

Who's Dead

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

Animal immigration

"Good evening, I'm your date. Let me begin by saying I'm sorry I'm late, I'm sorry I'm bald and I'm sorry I'm short."

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

"I cleaned out the RV. We accumulated a lot stuff since we started RVing..."

'No we are not there yet, we're just leaving our drive!'

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

'Why bother recreating the 5,000-year-old recipe fo the ancient Egyptians, when there's already one that old at the back of the fridge?'

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

"We met through a contact tracing app."

"Back in my day there weren't any delivery trucks, distribution centers and fancy computers! We just hopped door-to-door until our feet bled!"

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

Tourists

A frog catches an insect truck.

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

Might Versus Right.

'You know how they say, no matter how bad you got it, there's always someone worse off? Well I'm that someone.'

"She was this tall with curly blonde hair Officer: She ate our porridge and broke our furniture..."

Tip responsibly

I drink to forget... which can take for-freakin'-ever when you're an elephant!'

Prompts on the Antiques Roadshow.

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

'This is for a different book.'

Thanks to his reputation as a tough and unfriendly loner, nobody flocked with Randy.

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

'This one belonged to a little old lady with weak eyes.'

"We met online."