Bar Story Collector Pillows

"My bar hopping days are over."

It's the same old story...boy meets girl, boy loses girl, girl rips boy to pieces on a nationally syndicated talk show!

"Another flue shot, Larry.

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'We are now entering sombre hour, happy hour has finished.'

"Thank you for making my decision to fire you, that much easier."

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

Who's Dead

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

"By the time I was supposed to resume my hockey career, I had discovered ice dancing."

'What a twist of fate!'

Tepid Beer - Going out of Beer.

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

Drunken hamster at the bar says to the Easter Bunny: 'You got lucky, Bunny. Things could've been so different for the Harvest Festival Hamster.'

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

"I've stopped looking for work, which, I believe, helps the economic numbers."

'You know how they say, no matter how bad you got it, there's always someone worse off? Well I'm that someone.'

"I hear alcohol slows reactions..."

Prompts on the Antiques Roadshow.

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

'Stout has a white head on top.' 'To show you which end to drink first.'

"Ok Buddy. No more AB negative blood for you tonight!"

101 uses of a dead cat: cigarette dispenser

'This one belonged to a little old lady with weak eyes.'

"We met online."

Football Manager's Parrot

"Ow! Rotten stinking sky!!"

'I tried letting it all hang out, and somebody stepped on it.'

'Look, I don't want any funny business.'

"I've been diagnosed with duel personalities."

'Yes, the peanuts are free. But, we still expect you to buy a drink!'

'He's not a patient. He's an antique collector. He's interested in the magazines in our waiting room.'

"O.K., Let's try this scenario..."