Drinking Stories Collector Gifts

"I've been diagnosed with duel personalities."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

"I cleaned out the RV. We accumulated a lot stuff since we started RVing..."

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

Who's Dead

"Good evening, I'm your date. Let me begin by saying I'm sorry I'm late, I'm sorry I'm bald and I'm sorry I'm short."

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

'Why bother recreating the 5,000-year-old recipe fo the ancient Egyptians, when there's already one that old at the back of the fridge?'

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

'No we are not there yet, we're just leaving our drive!'

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

"We met through a contact tracing app."

"Back in my day there weren't any delivery trucks, distribution centers and fancy computers! We just hopped door-to-door until our feet bled!"

Tourists

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

Might Versus Right.

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

A frog catches an insect truck.

"She was this tall with curly blonde hair Officer: She ate our porridge and broke our furniture..."

'You know how they say, no matter how bad you got it, there's always someone worse off? Well I'm that someone.'

Tip responsibly

I drink to forget... which can take for-freakin'-ever when you're an elephant!'

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

Prompts on the Antiques Roadshow.

'This is for a different book.'

We apologise for the mix-up! Normal service will resume soon!

Football Manager's Parrot

"I just barely managed to escape from a tribe of mad cannibals!"

'This one belonged to a little old lady with weak eyes.'

"We met online."