Parenting Superhero Pillows

'He's at that difficult age: 0 to 16.'

'Stop picking up after your kids.'

"I need to pee but I'm afraid to go alone."

"My daughter is autistic, but don't worry, once she calms down she'll act just like you minus the contemptuously judgmental glare."

Online supermarket - "No you can't have lollies! You can't have chocolate! You can't have ice-cream!"

'Hello, parental support hotline? I was able to rise up and become super Mom. How do I get back down?'

"Mommy is taking the nap that you refused to take."

"You might want to review the chapter on unconditional love."

"Dad, can you do my math homework for me tonight?"

'He did?'

'For me, this is actually an improvement; my wife is home with our octuplets.'

Potty Training.

'Still having trouble finding day care?'

It's okay Mom! As a broker, I'm under supervision of the SEC!

Babies vs. Dogs

Mother feeds messy child with extra long spoon.

"I miss the Augean stables."

Baby tells other Baby to call.

"Have you met my bodyguard?"

'I tell you, dad, Miss Hamilton is a witch!'

JAMES BONDING

'You know, termite queens have over 100 million offspring. I mean, just saying...'

'I'm a work-at-home dad.'

Doctor has the taste for patients urine samples.

"How many times have I told you kids to turn off the light when you leave a room?!"

Fathers are Heroes

'How many times must I tell you? Stop drawing on the bloody walls!'

Impracticle Guide to having Babies

'Mother will catch you!'

"I mean, he does have a point."

"Please continue as a lab rat, we have five mouths to feed!"

"It's a special place where they check the eyes in the back of their heads."

Add your kids' ages together...

Muscular Dad

'My mom won't let me play 'Merchants of Mayhem.' I tried, but she's a game changer.'