Parenting Rookie Gifts

"I would use less pressure when massaging the baby's abdomen."

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

'What's play?'

Well, we thought we had childproofed the house

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

"I hoped you'd change your hobby when you became a father"

"...for a canal I thought that was unusually short."

'Your wife has given birth to the blues.'

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"We sing her to sleep with songs about recycling."

'No creamed peas for me today!'

'He's more supportive after his nap.'

"We've doubled our staff in the last six months." (Smith and Smith - baby in playpen behind desk).

Mom dwarves.

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

'Funny in my day they all looked like WInston Churchill.'

Constructing your own prison!

"Support the head."

'Yipee! A cockroach!'

Look at it this way: You're changing the future of the nation...one diaper at a time!

'Here's one I made earlier!'

"Once I have the motor skills, I'll be knee deep in pudding every. Damn. Day."

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

'The kid was right! There WAS a monster under his bed!'

"Triple whammy."

'It's a screaming ladies part.'

The relay race

Impractical Guide to Having Babies

'Will I be able to have a night light if we switch to solar power?'

"Mom usually chews it up for us."

'You're grounded... not you, the drone.'

"Just wait until your nanny gets here."

I'm fed up with cleaning your room! From now on, wipe your feet!

Add your kids' ages together...