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'There are two concerns I have. your son disturbs the class every day except Friday, and your son always cuts class on Friday.'

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

Human Behavior Institute. Out Experiencing Lunch.

Suffering from Cooties?

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'Of course I put my kids first! Look at how much I pay the nanny!!'

"Gracie, I'm proud of you. Your team lost, but you tried your best and that's all that counts."

"He won't eat anything but corn."

Polly, want a cracker, but Polly need a glass of wine.

"We're going to have to think outside the box to boost sales, minion."

'I changed my mind...I'm not thirsty anymore.'

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

'These are very powerful tranquilizers for when your teen has he horrific tantrums. Take two of them anytime she flares up.'

'My parents only said 'don't accept rides from strangers,' but I'm the one asking to go with YOU.'

"I just called to say I love you, but come to think of it - can I borrow some money?"

'To be honest I only became a vicar to get my children into the C of E school.'

'Sorry dad - it won't happen again,'

Daughter/psychiatrist

"I'm sorry madam but we don't make them go missing."

We're very disappointed. We thought the nanny had raised you better than this.

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

'You should give her a bigger breakfast - She's just eaten my thermometer!'

Parenting Wonks

'Sleeping like a baby'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Ethan's having another growth spurt.'

"But I am an engaged parent. Just the other day, I helped one of the kids with his or her homework."

"We shouldn't have had so many kids. Now they all want computers and phones."

'I'm begging you, please don't let me go!'

"Family vacation is an oxymoron."

'Have a nice day at school, Jeffrey -- remember to stay on message!'

"Try verbalizing it."

'Satellite TV? You're spoiling that kid.'