Parenting Challenge Gifts

"Just wait till your father gets paroled."

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

Human Behavior Institute. Out Experiencing Lunch.

"At $4 a dozen, it's hard to balance a career and a family."

Suffering from Cooties?

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'Of course I put my kids first! Look at how much I pay the nanny!!'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

Polly, want a cracker, but Polly need a glass of wine.

'Think about it guys: We're fed and sheltered, why would we ever think about leaving the nest?'

"Dad—will the heroine go into rehab?"

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

'I changed my mind...I'm not thirsty anymore.'

'I couldn't practice last night on account of my Dad's head was gonna' explode.'

"I'm too old for a baby-sitter. How about hanging a portrait with the eyes that always seem to look at you?"

'These are very powerful tranquilizers for when your teen has he horrific tantrums. Take two of them anytime she flares up.'

"I just called to say I love you, but come to think of it - can I borrow some money?"

"Wasn't it your turn to drop him to online school?!"

'To be honest I only became a vicar to get my children into the C of E school.'

The mating call of the Yellow-Throated Warbler,

"I was thinking of joining a parenting class."

Mountain Dads

The relay race

'I know Jesus spoke in parables. Now for the last time, tell me exactly where you put my car keys.'

'Are you trying to tell me that neither of you get penalty rates for the 2 a.m feed?'

'Sorry dad - it won't happen again,'

"I lost the spelling bee on the word 'gangsta.' "

"My mom used to be an excellent housekeeper, but I put a stop to that."

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

Coping during the 6 weeks school holidays.

"I'm sorry madam but we don't make them go missing."

Daughter/psychiatrist

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

"Of course, you've always set a good example for me ... that's why you embarrass me so much."