Parenthood Novice Gifts

"Mom says he's a bouncing baby boy. . . wanna try it?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

Madonna of the Pukes.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"She's been so creative lately."

"I'm sorry, Ms. Cole is busy balancing family and career. Can I take a message and have her call you back?"

A midwife holding a baby

"It only goes forwards and backwards. So, you won't need a GPS."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

Low-Energy Drinks

"Those are the names of your children? I went a different route...I memorized my kids' names."

'You don't have to explain the software to me. I wrote it while I was in the womb.'

"Even when he throws them on the floor, he doesn't want the peas and carrots to touch."

Knight feeding his kids.

'You must be very proud Daphne.'

Rocking horse

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

Trombone emerges from pram. Mother says: 'I'm a firm believer in starting them young.'

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

'Congratulations! You've just downloaded a baby boy.'

A woman with a dog and a baby on a leash

"When did she start crawling?"

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

'and on the Kids' Menu, we have Cranky Pants French Toast...'

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."