Parenthood Gifts

"We're playing YouTube."

'Perhaps you could give him a touch of astigmatism, kids with glasses are sooo cute!'

'Why are you so obnoxious?' 'Heredity!'

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Those are my parents. Aren't they terrific?"

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

'Don't worry, it's a healthy sign if they make a lot of noise just after they're born.'

Low-Energy Drinks

"I know the baby is in here somewhere."

Woman with brattish children at Egg Donnor clinic - "We don't need any more eggs at the moment."

"I agree, it's a real worry. We may have to consider limiting her screen time."

"Young man, you'd better get my priorities straight."

"Well, it strikes me as hilariously ironic that someone as small as me is such a challenge to two people as huge as you!"

"I can't party like I used to, I've got enough Tupperware"

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

"Look. He's just created his first text output object."

"�nappies, gripe water. Oh, and a couple of frozen chickens. The midwife said breast feeding's the best"

'Mom, did I come preassembled or did you and dad have to put me together?'

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

"He had nothing but respect for me. I finally had to sue to get child support."

"Another milestone: the first step, first word, first excuse..."

Man being carried by his wife who is also pushing the baby.

'It's easy for you to climb the corporate ladder, you just lay your eggs and leave: No need for Maternity Leave!'

'We would split up, but neither of us wants to be left alone with the baby.'

'Do you really want me to get in there and pollute all that nice clean water?'

"I received your text message about the importance of tolerance and forgiveness. Now what did you do?"

"What do you recommend for someone recovering from a tantrum?"

"I have three kids, a boy, a girl and a husband."

Impractical Guide to Having Babies

Maternity Ward - 'I wonder if he'll ever leave home...'

"Mom, is it true that delinquency begins at home?"

"Sorry. He's been cursing like that ever since we put him in that little sailor suit."