Modern Parenthood Gifts

'It never fails to stop him crying - handing him the phone.'

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Low-Energy Drinks

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

'He's not talking yet, but his texting skills are excellent...'

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"Remember now, anything is DIY-abe if you just do it yourself."

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'You'll never believe the day I've had...'

Baby Screen Time

A child sitting on a swing - while playing with a hand-held electronic device or phone

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

"It's a boy, but that's a common one so don't get too excited."

Amazon Drones Delivering Babies

'We found you in a cabbage!'

"Oh, Frank, look! He's sending his first tweet!"

'Shhh... It's babies app time.'

"He just said his first word!"

"We have the exact same taste."

Growth Charts

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

"He won't eat anything but corn."

'There's a planet in my book with two moons! Imagine how much howling we could do there!'

"Never mind Benjamin – he just lawyers-up to get attention."

Young Gums

"I noticed that since I've been working at home you've been paying me hazard pay. How did you know?"

"Skip the funny voices tonight—O.K., Dad?"