Parenthood Athlete Gifts

'I'm exempt from the company fitness program. I have triplets at home.'

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'He has your nose and my ears.'

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

Low-Energy Drinks

Baby pram as a tank

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

'Congratulations! You've just downloaded a baby boy.'

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"Remember now, anything is DIY-abe if you just do it yourself."

'You'll never believe the day I've had...'

Baby Screen Time

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

"It's a boy, but that's a common one so don't get too excited."

Growth Charts

"We have the exact same taste."

'We found you in a cabbage!'

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

A postwoman delivers mail together with her baby who is riding in the letter carrier.

'It's only 6 AM, but I want to send the kids to Wally's house before his mother sends him over here.'

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

"Skip the funny voices tonight—O.K., Dad?"

Acclaimed mother.

Young Gums

"I noticed that since I've been working at home you've been paying me hazard pay. How did you know?"

'There's a planet in my book with two moons! Imagine how much howling we could do there!'

"He won't eat anything but corn."

'We're the parents. What we say goes. . . In one ear and out the other.'

"And remember, it's important to wake them up at hourly intervals."

"Back when we got him, Rufus was a child substitute. Now he's just a dog."