Parent Of Mischievous Kids Pillows

I'm beginning to see why they call these SELF-inking stamps'

"If oceans are absorbing more carbon dioxide, why isn't this water fizzy?"

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

Christmas Presents.

'This chair ain't big enough for the both of us.'

Jack in the box on strike.

"Where's your nose?"

'It's nice to go hiking together. It gives us a chance to compare notes and figure out what the kids are plotting!'

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

"Do you actually trust that thing?"

Look out, you're sitting on a worm!

"I'll explain later."

Misery lit...

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

Boho Bribes

'Hello? Animal control?'

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

You put sparkling water in the WHAT?

'for the record, it tasted like black licorice.'

Law Books

"Have you seen his sippy skull?"

Newton's Cradle

Excited about getting Gina to the hospital on the 'big day', Doug converts their car into the Stork-mobile.

'Dad! What time is it when the big hand is on eight and the little hand is all over the floor?'

"You know what I love? Rolling in dead squirrel." "Oh, my God, yes! How about peeing on the floor at Petco?!" "Wait, wait–what's the farthest distance either of you have rubbed your butt across a carpet?!"

Tooth Pulling Cork

'Be wormier!'