Parent Of Mischievous Kids Gifts

I'm beginning to see why they call these SELF-inking stamps'

"If oceans are absorbing more carbon dioxide, why isn't this water fizzy?"

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

Christmas Presents.

Jack in the box on strike.

"Where's your nose?"

'It's nice to go hiking together. It gives us a chance to compare notes and figure out what the kids are plotting!'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Do you actually trust that thing?"

"I'll explain later."

Look out, you're sitting on a worm!

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

Misery lit...

Boho Bribes

'Hello? Animal control?'

"Have you seen his sippy skull?"

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

Law Books

'for the record, it tasted like black licorice.'

Newton's Cradle

"You know what I love? Rolling in dead squirrel." "Oh, my God, yes! How about peeing on the floor at Petco?!" "Wait, wait–what's the farthest distance either of you have rubbed your butt across a carpet?!"

'Dad! What time is it when the big hand is on eight and the little hand is all over the floor?'

Tooth Pulling Cork

'Be wormier!'