Pain-averse Friend Gifts

"I'd rather have a baby than have my tooth pulled."

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

'You've become run down from working too much. Try sneezing on your boss.'

'What's in going to be, a nip or a nap.'

Medieval sculptor hits thumb while carving a gargoyle.

Lemonade 5c Sugar Free: 'It sure is!'

Hiker Followed By Paramedic

'And also, no cigarettes, no cigars, no alcohol,no sweets,no dairy products, no bacon, no ham...'

"I don't prescribe opioids, but feel free to grab a CBD-laced lollipop on your way out."

The smoking Gun

Slept on the plane and now in horrible pain?

"Oh, stop self-stereotyping, woman!"

"I quit worrying. I've gone 100% non-non and completely free-free."

Tunnel of Anxiety

"Of course, I would suggest a shot of novacaine."

The new Anti-Toothpain app: 'Fee? It workf!'

"If you look after your body, it will last you a lifetime."

'This is going to be a level three.'

'Strawberries give me the hives. How about an apple?'

"Skin cancer. . . terrorism, I'm not taking any chances!"

A man hugs a heart-shaped cactus

'I think I'll take up bowling instead.'

"I did warn you about the heat in Greece, Mrs. Marsdon, a sunburnt tongue is no laughing matter."

I witnessed something I can never unsee. What happened, little buddy? Some guy walking out of the "Star Wars" premiere shouted spoilers to the crowd that was waiting to see the second show. A bunch of fans who were dressed in costumes got so angry they attacked him. I don't think I can ever unsee five Ewoks and a slave Leia beating a Wookie senseless with plastic light sabers. The Wookie had it coming.

'Ooh, that's better!'

'Yes, we offer no-fee checking accounts. For a small fee.'

'Does it hurt when I do this...?'

"He needs more exercise. I recommend a team sport like hockey. He'd make a good goalie."

Broken ankle? Blown out knee? Compound fracture? No problem! Get back on the court in a jiff with the amazing new Roller Brace!

Warning - may contain nuts.

"Brace yourself!"

Man stands on the bathroom scales and falls through the ceiling.

I told you not to eat that Blowfish.

Faster Food