Out-of-this-world Diners Gifts

'Genuine Venutian Bistro.'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

Wine taster with mineral water

"For drinks or dinner?"

"When you said, 'Let's go out for dinner,' I thought you meant foraging. This is much better!"

Sushi Train Spotters

'Tartar sauce?! Heavens no. My dentist would kill me.'

"The chef recommends the most expensive dish on the menu."

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

"We only do salads. There's no need to keep warning customers that the plates are cold."

"The catch of the day is halibut. The day it was caught was last Tuesday."

"I'll have the chef."

"The Garlic Escargot Velouté...would you like that in the traditional tureen, or supersized in a bucket?"

"I'll have the crescent-crab 'purses' and the smoked duck 'hash' – hold the quotation marks."

"We have sparkling and still, but I'll have to ask if we have black."

'No, there isn't any shrimp in the 'Shrimp Surprise' -- It's just called that because it's not all that surprising.'

'Enjoy?...How?'

"Waiter! Waiter! There's no flies in my soup!"

'I'll have the duck ? l'orange, without the duck, of course.'

'For obvious reasons the chowder's made with chicken and pork.'

'Can I get you anything else, sir?'

"A bottle of your finest formula for the table."

I told you not to order the house dressing. Hurg.

A couple leaves their child at a "Child Check" counter before entering a fancy restaurant.

"Is that your 'God Bless America' or mine?"

'No, there isn't any shrimp in the 'Shrimp Surprise' -- It's just called that because it's not all that much of a surprise.'

Since when do lentils do the backstroke? ??

'It would never work out, Harry -- I'm wine and cheese, and you're beer and pretzels.'

"So, who ordered the burger platter with endless fries?"

Frank 'n' Steins...beer & bratwurst (chef Frankenstein).

'Aside from the cockroach, how was everything?'

'Could I have a look at your childrens menu? It's only my inner child that's hungry!'