Opportunity Embracer Pillows

'Oh s**t, I've been offered a job!'

This Is Your Life

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the heck else are you talking... you talking to me?"

"Tell me again, Grandpa, about how you let your freak flag fly."

The most fabulous Gran in the world.

"I'm being heavily recruited by several other companies."

"I enjoy the one day of the school year...that I didn't forget to do my homework."

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

"When Harold first said he identified as a balloon animal I thought it was just a phase, but here we are fifteen years later and it seems to be working."

Congratulations!

You Know You're Old When...

"My new year resolutions were to continue eating, drinking, smoking and gambling...and I've stuck to all of them!"

Job hoppers.

"Frankly, it would be hard to beat being a bird flying around on such a glorious sunny day!"

"I hope I'm single for Valentine's because only I fully know my worth in chocolate."

'I know you're going to inherit the throne from your father, but I want you to go to medical school just in case.'

Grandpa cheats death, puts in a pool.

"A Clif Bar wrapper? That's why you dragged me up here?!"

'Oh, Harold...How can I face our family and friends knowing you're a crossdresser?!'

Life is more than I can bear phobia.

Change is good.

"I see a couple of chairs over there by the naked guy working on his laptop."

Let It All Hang Out In Celebration. . .

At least you didn't marry him.

'Congratulations, your days of avoiding the real world are finally over.'

"She's been seeing a very good grief counselor."

"We live here. We just dress this way to fit in."

"You have my pet and I have my pet!"

Gone were the days of emotional restraint.

'I know what I've got to do to find a job. I'm going to Poland!'

Woman throwing paints out of her house.

"Ouch! I still can't get the hang of this new technology!"

It gets easier.

"No! There are no openings for my job!"