Life Embracer Pillows

"She's been seeing a very good grief counselor."

The most fabulous Gran in the world.

Grandpa cheats death, puts in a pool.

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the heck else are you talking... you talking to me?"

"Tell me again, Grandpa, about how you let your freak flag fly."

Ultra-lazy sloth

"I enjoy the one day of the school year...that I didn't forget to do my homework."

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

"I live for the moment. That moment just happens to be in the indefinite future."

Congratulations!

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

"My new year resolutions were to continue eating, drinking, smoking and gambling...and I've stuck to all of them!"

Man feeding origami birds with confetti

"I hope I'm single for Valentine's because only I fully know my worth in chocolate."

"Hang on - I've got an app for this. . ."

"A Clif Bar wrapper? That's why you dragged me up here?!"

'I know you're going to inherit the throne from your father, but I want you to go to medical school just in case.'

'Oh, Harold...How can I face our family and friends knowing you're a crossdresser?!'

"I see a couple of chairs over there by the naked guy working on his laptop."

This Is Your Life

At least you didn't marry him.

Let It All Hang Out In Celebration. . .

'Congratulations, your days of avoiding the real world are finally over.'

"We live here. We just dress this way to fit in."

'I'm putting you on a forced exercise program of walking. Hand over your driver's license!'

'Oh s**t, I've been offered a job!'

Welsh Dragon

'Some have abs of steel, I have fat of steel!'

Are you ever worried people will see all the stuff you put online? Not at all … because I don't put anything online. I'm not on Facebook, I'm not on Twitter, and I conduct all my business in person so they can be charmed by the twinkle in my mustache. You are looking at a man who's totally off the grid, little buddy. It's like talking to a Neanderthal. I also shave with a razor-sharp sliver of granite my grandfather bequeathed unto me.

"Before you take me away I just want to update my profile picture."

Gone were the days of emotional restraint.

It gets easier.

"Ouch! I still can't get the hang of this new technology!"

"Bedtime! It's nice to be getting dressed."