Operating Room Humorist Gifts

"Now with a firm twist, I'll remove his attorney."

"Let's just start cutting and see what happens."

Operating room attendent explaining 'And this one is wired directly to his lawyer...'

"...and how about you, Wellington? Does this smell funny to you?"

'Say, please.'

'Lunch!'

Surgeons keeping score of successes and fatalities.

"I won't read your horoscope, doctor. I know how the bad ones make you nervous!"

'Try wetting the thread.'

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

"Two more of these and we;ll let you loose on the simulator."

"His first out-of-body experience."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"WHich one is mine?"

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

"Sorry, that's not my table."

Downloading Pregnancy

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"You'll feel a pinch now and another one when the bill comes."