Open Mic Night Fan Gifts

"This next song is also called AWHOOOOO."

Zombie standup

hard-boiled egg...

The secret of living happily ever after....Do it alone.

A vampire sitting on a park bench at night feeding bats.

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'A sitcom has to be quirky or formulaic. There is no middle way.'

'Have you been working out?'

"He had a request for me on the radio today. He wanted me to bring him a cup of tea."

Running out of Gas.

Gangster's To-Do List

"Coming up... more of the same mindless pop songs with repetitive lyrics and nauseating melodies!"

"Yoga has helped me appreciate the healing power of donuts."

'He's got a lot of talent and everything, but I just don't think he's cut out for talk radio.'

FedRex

'I am prosecuting you for a breach of article 5 of the explosives act, storing black powder in a dangerous manor on unlicensed premises.'

'These are tough times to be a contract law attorney. Everything's written in stone.'

'I've only got two numbers to go on the bingo!'

'I'm sure looking forward to relaxing when we get to the summit.'

Vents, real and digital.

'My latest invention -- the daisy wheel!'

'John's animal impressions are particularly good. He not only does the sounds, he does the smells as well!'

WPC

"When you said you liked nothing better than to curl up with a good book..."

Admiral Lord Nelson practiced mindfulness techniques daily to reduce his stress levels. He found an hour of 'naval gazing' worked wonders.

Pot Needles

"And now, our newest hit song..."

'Dat was jus' a warnin', Detective Jones. Get off da Bozo case!'

"We've found that patients are more truthful when it's open mic night."

"No wonder you're having back problems. You have an old, heavy mobile device. Have you considered updating?"