Open Enrollment Gifts

'The bad news is, during open enrollment we get to choose between our uncaring, inconvenient plan or another one that's just as bad or worse.'

Garrett knew it was important to jeep his brain from overheating during big tests.

"This is a great school but it wasn't my first choice."

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'You must be Jimmy's father . . .'

"I think my mom made me a tofu sandwich."

Now I'll open up the floor to questions and batsh*t crazy rants.

'LOVELY school. But where's the library?' 'What's a library?'

"I wouldn't mind...But he's the teacher."

"Of course I love you, I'm just busy with other men."

"If anyone rings tell them I'm on a course."

'Do you feel as foolish as I do, having a conference with Billy's teaching machine?'

"...and would you like to enroll her in pre-pre-pre-med or pre-pre-law?"

Drawing graphs on a computer.

'I'm enrolling in an online course to learn how to apply for a loan for an online university.'

'It's okay, mom. I go through this every day at school.'

You're fine, but we'd like to run some tests on your insurance card.

'I agree with the government.'

School Open.

"It started with sneaking kale into their spaghetti. Before I knew it I was sneaking homework into their video games."

'Your son pays attention in class, but only to his iPod and cell phone.'

"I have an awful toothache. But I sort of forgot to re-sig up for Obamacare. SO now I have to wait till next year to get treated."

"We've found that patients are more truthful when it's open mic night."

Ethical studies: 'No thanks, I;m doing law.'

'... Yes, I'd love to go on a date with you. Can I bring my boyfriend?'

As mayor, I'd like everyone to know my door is always open. My first order of business is to address the vandalism problem.

Love

'I tried letting it all hang out, and somebody stepped on it.'

'Enough frank and honest talk. Let's go back to hypocrisy and dishonest talk.'

"Honey, I know I agreed to an open marriage, but maybe we could close it just a smidge."

"You want to take Swahili so you can talk to your African violets?"

St.Titanics primary, "It's a sink school."

'Maybe it needs a little curb appeal.'

'We're a very exclusive private school. Your son will be our only student.'

'Why is Burl wearing a life vest, Joy?'