Online Romance Detective Pillows

If you meet someone online who says he's a 22 year old software millionaire who looks like Harry Styles he's really unemployed, 45 and lives with his mother!

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

"If someone winks a you forty or fifty times, are they coming on to you?"

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"Is there anyone else in your life I should know about?"

"There's a rumour going around my head that you don't love me."

'Roger, I think we need to talk about your trouble with intimacy.'

"It's not what you think."

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

"For once I'd like to go on a date where she made eye contact instead of iPhone contact."

"Before we take this any further, I'd like us to open about our internet history."

"We're compatible in every way. That's my concern; we have nothing to argue about."

She's disappointed. Doctor Frankenstein's online dating profile simply says that he's a "body-builder."

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

'My wife! The therapist we hired to help us reinvigorate our marriage!'

'You want to understand women?...I granted you a wish, not a miracle!'

"I can tell when you're just kissing me to get some of my lip balm, Josh."

Trick questions...

'Girls! I won't understand them if I live to be six.'

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

"I'm guessing it's too soon in the relationship for me to totally creep you out."

'How will I know when I've found my soul mate, Fang?'

Cheapskate b*****d told me he'd laid on a box for me to watch the races.

'You asked her to go out with you?', 'Yes, but she says there's a lengthy approval process.'

"You weren't playing hard to get! You were scared of commitment!"

'I don't know what they see in her. . . I think I'll take a closer look.'

"He's either 'still water runs deep' or an oxygen-depleted dead zone."

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.