Online Romance Detective Pillows

If you meet someone online who says he's a 22 year old software millionaire who looks like Harry Styles he's really unemployed, 45 and lives with his mother!

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

"If someone winks a you forty or fifty times, are they coming on to you?"

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"It's not what you think."

"There's a rumour going around my head that you don't love me."

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

"We're compatible in every way. That's my concern; we have nothing to argue about."

"Before we take this any further, I'd like us to open about our internet history."

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

'My wife! The therapist we hired to help us reinvigorate our marriage!'

"I can tell when you're just kissing me to get some of my lip balm, Josh."

'You want to understand women?...I granted you a wish, not a miracle!'

"Hola! Tia Carmen's psychic hotline! Can I tell you where your lousy cheating boyfriend is right now?"

"He's either 'still water runs deep' or an oxygen-depleted dead zone."

"You weren't playing hard to get! You were scared of commitment!"

'I don't know what they see in her. . . I think I'll take a closer look.'

'We had the perfect marriage until we took the magazine quiz.'

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

'You asked her to go out with you?', 'Yes, but she says there's a lengthy approval process.'

'Girls! I won't understand them if I live to be six.'

Trick questions...

Cheapskate b*****d told me he'd laid on a box for me to watch the races.

"I'm guessing it's too soon in the relationship for me to totally creep you out."