Online Love Detective Pillows

"I googled you and I'm not interested."

'It was love at first sight, although he was very pixilated and I was out of focus'

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

"There's a rumour going around my head that you don't love me."

"If someone winks a you forty or fifty times, are they coming on to you?"

Online Dating for Dummies

"It's not what you think."

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"We're compatible in every way. That's my concern; we have nothing to argue about."

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

"Before we take this any further, I'd like us to open about our internet history."

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

'My wife! The therapist we hired to help us reinvigorate our marriage!'

"I can tell when you're just kissing me to get some of my lip balm, Josh."

'You want to understand women?...I granted you a wish, not a miracle!'

"You weren't playing hard to get! You were scared of commitment!"

'I don't know what they see in her. . . I think I'll take a closer look.'

'We had the perfect marriage until we took the magazine quiz.'

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

"Hola! Tia Carmen's psychic hotline! Can I tell you where your lousy cheating boyfriend is right now?"

'You asked her to go out with you?', 'Yes, but she says there's a lengthy approval process.'

'Girls! I won't understand them if I live to be six.'

Trick questions...