Cyber Love Detective Pillows

If you meet someone online who says he's a 22 year old software millionaire who looks like Harry Styles he's really unemployed, 45 and lives with his mother!

'It was love at first sight, although he was very pixilated and I was out of focus'

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

Alternative Medicine

"Here's one, Matey! 'Must Love Parrots.'"

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

'See, dear, you can't believe everything you read. It says so right here on the internet!'

The new Physics

Says here the Navy's going to be patrolling the South China Sea. It could spark a history-changing war. Google tells me the last time a Naval conflict changed history, it was the Battle of Midway. You were alive at that time. How awesome was it to already be ancient when Midway happened? I never expected a question like that from a prepubescent stooge like you. Was it as awesome as when you saw Cleopatra lose at the Battle of Actium? I see you're bringing Google's a-game today.

I don't need lobster and music and wine....

"Hacking and eavesdropping are my top skills. I guess you could say I'm a good listener."

"Didn't I warn you about buying medication from the internet?!"

Online marriage ceremony.

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

"I think Baxter needs a break."

"Darling Elizabeth! How I long to hold you betwixt my giant industrial clamps."

Vacancy at the Ecuadoran Embassy

"There's a rumour going around my head that you don't love me."

"If this is secret information the government doesn't want us to know, how come we can read about it on facebook?"

"Is there anyone else in your life I should know about?"

'Roger, I think we need to talk about your trouble with intimacy.'

"It's not what you think."

"They'll never guess how we stole their data."

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"The tweet you posted last night struck a chord around the world, united all factions, and basically altered the course of humanity."

"...and for your part in the computer fraud I sentence you to eighteen months @www.hermajestiesprison.co.uk"

"We're compatible in every way. That's my concern; we have nothing to argue about."

'We were matched by computer.'

The Darknet starts right here.

Cyber Love

"Before we take this any further, I'd like us to open about our internet history."

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

"One of you got online and stole my identity, which is weird because there's not one thing unique about us."

"If there's a way in, they'll find it."