Online Presence Analyst Pillows

"You seem very talented, based on your Facebook page. We just don't have any openings right now for a binge-drinking half-naked beer pong master."

Obsession with the Internet.

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

'Jeff is a tackle on his online college football team.'

"I hear you have been split testing our online advertising campaign. I haven't got a clue what that is but stop it now."

Businessman has in/out boxes labeled: Stay The Course and Cut And Run.

'We seem to have more luck getting people to accept cookies rather than broccoli when they visit websites.'

Meet the People of the Internet

'Something that'll get me googled,'

I'm ego surfing right now, looking up my name on different search engines.

"Have you considered vlogging?"

"According to our eye tracking studies,either nobody is looking at the content on our site, or all the participants have lazy eye."

"After seeing the benefits of web analytics, Amy hoped to learn something by attaching cookies to customers who visited her store."

"Harold died happy knowing he gained a certain immortality through social media."

"Pff! That orang utan's obviously a crisis actor!"

"If you retweet it and you have '0' followers, was it retweeted?"

"Dr. Jeckyl and... Mr. Internet"

'I'm just updating my Facebook profile.'

'The mean age of our visitor is 50. It seems like when they turn 50 they get mean.'

'First there was Pinter-esque. Then there was Pinter-est.'

Weapons of Mass Comparison

"Okay, I'll admit it. I'm only dating you so you'll follow me on social media."

"And having a gazillion fake fans? That also came from social media, Tommy."

"I have 1,8000 friends on facebook....and you want a college degree?"

'Looks like I was wrong. Apparently I can have more loathing for this era...'

'Just like the website, lots of visitors, few conversions.'

'Talk about snooty. She was listed as 'most likely to be googled' in the class yearbook.'

'He's disappointed because he heard that site had a high bounce rate, so he thought it had a lot of cleavage.'

So begins the twitter wars.

Social Death

'My blog has its own blog.'

Online vs. Offline Behaviour

You're broadcasting messages of your moment-to-moment experiences?! It's called tweeting. All my followers get updated on what I'm doing. Why? How @#$% narcissistic. Who cares if you're getting hit with a handbag? What? Rudy's getting hit with a handbag. Snooze. Litterbox.

A figure carries different masks off into the distance.

'Honey, what's the current conversion rate for Facebook friends to Twitter followers?'