Online Presence Analyst Gifts

"You seem very talented, based on your Facebook page. We just don't have any openings right now for a binge-drinking half-naked beer pong master."

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

Obsession with the Internet.

"I hear you have been split testing our online advertising campaign. I haven't got a clue what that is but stop it now."

Businessman has in/out boxes labeled: Stay The Course and Cut And Run.

'We seem to have more luck getting people to accept cookies rather than broccoli when they visit websites.'

Meet the People of the Internet

"According to our eye tracking studies,either nobody is looking at the content on our site, or all the participants have lazy eye."

"After seeing the benefits of web analytics, Amy hoped to learn something by attaching cookies to customers who visited her store."

"Pff! That orang utan's obviously a crisis actor!"

"If you retweet it and you have '0' followers, was it retweeted?"

"Dr. Jeckyl and... Mr. Internet"

'The mean age of our visitor is 50. It seems like when they turn 50 they get mean.'

'First there was Pinter-esque. Then there was Pinter-est.'

Weapons of Mass Comparison

"And having a gazillion fake fans? That also came from social media, Tommy."

"Okay, I'll admit it. I'm only dating you so you'll follow me on social media."

'Looks like I was wrong. Apparently I can have more loathing for this era...'

'Just like the website, lots of visitors, few conversions.'

'He's disappointed because he heard that site had a high bounce rate, so he thought it had a lot of cleavage.'

'Talk about snooty. She was listed as 'most likely to be googled' in the class yearbook.'

'My blog has its own blog.'

Social Death

So begins the twitter wars.

A figure carries different masks off into the distance.

"....and please make my life as interesting as I make it look in Facebook."