Online Interaction Analyst Gifts

Weapons of Mass Comparison

'Alas, poor Yorick, I knew you well. But dude, you're creeping me out, so I gotta un-friend you!'

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"Why would I want to meet Santa? I can just go home and log onto his social media page from the comfort of my bed."

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

The bluebird of passive-aggressiveness

The virtual wine tasting was a big success

"I have to give you credit. You're a pit bull and you're nice on and offline."

'We seem to have more luck getting people to accept cookies rather than broccoli when they visit websites.'

"Can you at least pretend to try and hold the elevator so I won't mull over and over how you didn't hold the elevator."

I CAME. I FOLLOWED. I COMMENTED. I SHARED.

The psychiatrist.

"I learned my social skills on social media. . . what's it to you anyway you stupid cow?!"

"So I'm assuming it's not always a good thing when a tweet goes viral."

"This conversation may be recorded for training purposes, depending on how well we confuse you."

Social Networks

"Before we take this any further, I'd like us to open about our internet history."

"Pff! That orang utan's obviously a crisis actor!"

"When did tweeting become such an angry thing?"

'We met online, but we don't seem able to take our relationship to the next level.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"May I air-quote you?"

'You know, sometimes I think we don't even speak the same body language.'

"You know what I bet it is? I bet we're breaking up but we just don't realize it yet."

'Do you get the feeling there isn't much substance in most conversations?'

"I’ve only been able to find movies, music, and restaurants that I kind of like using apps, but I’m hoping they’ll lead me to the love of my life."

Senior Chat Rooms.

'Nice talking to you, but would you please excuse me? I need to get some air...'

'First there was Pinter-esque. Then there was Pinter-est.'

"I can't tell if I'm being overly sensitive or you're being a cold, controlling, maniacal jerk."

On 'Friends Reunited' everyone can claim to be a front page maodel for GQ Magazine.